In this blog, we will explore how moral codes can be wielded as a tactic of control in intimate relationships, the ways in which this tactic undermines the victim’s sense of self-worth, and how to recognize and resist these forms of manipulation.

Below are some common ways individuals may use moral codes to exert control and manipulate their partners.

Imposing “Right” and “Wrong” Within the Relationship

One frequent tactic in using moral codes in intimate relationships is by dictating what is “right” and “wrong” for the partner’s behavior, thoughts, and actions. The abuser who seeks to control may position themselves as the “arbiter of morality,” using their personal beliefs or a shared religious or cultural code to enforce their own preferences.

Guilt-Tripping and Emotional Blackmail

Another powerful form of moral manipulation is the use of guilt and shame. The controlling partner may accuse the other person of violating moral codes such as religious rules, family values, or personal ethical standards if they make choices that the controlling partner disapproves of.

Blaming the Victim for the Relationship’s Problems

Another manipulative tactic is using moral codes to blame the victim for any problems or conflicts in the relationship. The abuser partner may argue that issues arise because the other person is not “living up to moral expectations.”

Weaponizing Religious or Cultural Beliefs

In many intimate relationships, the abuser may use religious or cultural codes as a means of control, stating these beliefs to manipulate the other person into submission. These moral codes may come from religion (Christian, Islamic, Hindu, etc.), Cultural expectations such as familial duties, gender roles, or traditional practices.

When moral codes are used as tools for control in intimate relationships, the emotional and psychological toll on the victim can be devastating. Here is a list of side effects of such abuse:

• Loss of Personal Identity: Constantly being told what is right and wrong, or having to live according to someone else’s moral standards, can lead the victim to lose sight of their own values and identity.
• Anxiety: The fear of violating moral codes can create chronic anxiety, especially when the controlling partner has made it clear that there will be consequences for not complying with their expectations.
• Emotional Dependence: When one partner defines and enforces the moral framework of the relationship, the other partner can become emotionally dependent on them for validation and approval.
• Shame: The constant imposition of a “moral standard” can lead the victim to feel shameful about their actions, thoughts, and desires, even when they have done nothing wrong.
• Isolation: By controlling the victim’s behavior, social interactions, and beliefs, the abusive partner often isolates them from others like friends and family.

Recognizing when moral codes are being used as a tool of control is the first step in breaking free from this toxic dynamic. Here are a few tools for resisting this form of manipulation:

• Trust Your Own Values: Reconnect with your personal values and beliefs. Reflect on what is truly important to you, and don’t allow someone else’s moral framework to dictate your choices.
• Set Boundaries: Establish clear boundaries in the relationship around what is acceptable and what is not.
• Seek Support: Talk to trusted friends, family, or a therapist about what’s going on in the relationship.
• Communicate Openly: Have an open and honest conversation with your partner about how their use of moral codes is affecting you. If they genuinely care about you, they will respect your autonomy and individuality. In a healthy relationship you should be able to talk to your partner about anything and everything without the fear of his/her reaction!

In conclusion, moral codes, when used as a tactic of control in intimate relationships, can be destructive. They create an environment where one partner holds the power to define right and wrong, often leaving the other partner feeling guilty, confused, and dependent. Recognizing the signs of moral manipulation and taking steps to reassert personal boundaries, values, and autonomy are essential to breaking free from this form of control. Relationships should be based on mutual respect, understanding, and love, not on one partner dictating the moral code for the other.

If you’re experiencing abuse or know someone who is experiencing abuse let them know they are not alone, and help is available.

YWCA Northwestern IL: 1-(815) 484-9442 EXT.306

Remedies Renewing Lives: 1-(815) 962-6102

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-(800) 799-7233

Please remember all calls are confidential.

-Estefania Barrientos, YWCA Northwestern Illinois PAIP Coordinator/Parent Educator