Growing up, many people in some cultures would often hear others tell little boys, “don’t cry, be a man” or “men don’t cry.” I did not think much of it until I became an adult and started working with men who batter women or struggle with anger management. One thing that most of the men I work with have in common is that they grew up in environments where they were taught to be tough and not express their emotions., They were told to “suck it up.” Suppressing emotions and not showing vulnerability can be harmful for men (or anyone), as it can prevent them from seeking support. It is important to understand that men, just like women experience a full range of emotions and should be able to express them without fear of judgement. We need to create a more inclusive and supportive environment for everyone regardless of gender.

The stigma that men need to suppress their feelings can have a negative impact. The potential harmful effects could be reflected as followed:

• Emotional withdraw (can have a negative impact in any relationship)
• Violence (physical, phycological, emotional towards another person)
• Substance abuse (alcohol, drugs)
• Manipulation (skillful/clever/unscrupulous behaviors)

The suppression of emotions can lead to toxic behaviors of masculinity that could cause harm to themselves and those around them including people they say they love or care for. Studies have reported that the vast majority of incarcerated men committed their crime under a strong emotion that took over them. They lacked the ability to manage the emotion and lost control. All for suppressing their emotions throughout their entire lives, many incarcerated men regret their actions and feel remorseful for the harm they’ve caused.

It is crucial to recognize and understand that all emotions are perfectly okay to have and express. We need to educate ourselves and the men in our lives how to properly express emotions. The three most important rules when it comes to expressing emotions are as follows:

• Respect yourself (don’t hurt yourself)
• Respect others (don’t hurt others)
• Respect the environment (plants, animals, things)

It is important to teach men and young boys that emotional expression is a sign of strength not weakness. Empathy and vulnerability are valuable traits to have.

Emotional competence is something that quite a lot of men lack. Many men did not have someone in their lives growing up to teach them proper ways to express their emotions or validate their feelings. These men are now walking around being angry at the world. We need to stop the whole stigma of teaching men to suppress their emotions. I believe that by encouraging our men and young boys to express their emotions in a healthy way, we can create a culture that promotes emotional intelligence and nonviolent behaviors. It’s okay to tell your little boys to cry if something hurts them. It’s ok to allow your little boys to cry when they are sad. It is perfectly ok for a grown man to cry when they are feeling a certain emotion. Men, please note that your partner should be empathetic and understanding of your emotions and if they don’t, then you need to reevaluate your relationship. Together, we need to focus on not creating a glass generation but rather a generation of men who are emotionally competent!

PAIP services at YWCA Northwester IL: 1-(815) 484-9442 EXT.306

Illinois Domestic Violence Helpline: 1-(877) 863-6338

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-(800) 799-7233

Please remember all calls are confidential.

-Estefania Barrientos, YWCA Northwestern Illinois La Voz Latina FAC Parent Educator/PAIP Coordinator