Have you ever noticed how much time you spend thinking about wanting to spend all your time with your partner? You enjoy their presence so much that you don’t want to spend time away from them. It is normal that when you first start dating someone that you want to spend as much time as possible with them. Both parties make great efforts to spend as much time together. How else are two individuals going to figure out if they are comparable? Therefore, we make time for each other. The dating stage is so exciting as you both plan dates and are eager to learn about the other person, in hopes that you are a perfect match.

Spending time together is great, but when does it turn into a possessive relationship?

Are you even aware when you are becoming obsessive and/or possessive over another individual?  You may rationalize it by saying to yourself, “I just love them so much,” or, “what if they find someone else?” You may even tell yourself, “I can’t live without them.” It is important to remember that you will continue to live with or without them. Loving someone doesn’t mean you have to spend every second of your existence with them. We need to understand that our partner is their own individual, with their own thoughts and ideas. Individuals who may enjoy their time alone, doing things that bring them joy that may not include their partner. Wanting time for themselves doesn’t mean they don’t have strong feelings for you. You do not own the other person therefore you cannot dictate or have control over them.

I encourage you to take a look behind your intentions of checking in on them constantly. Why do you feel the need to know where they are or go all time? Some will say because they worry about them, and worrying about the others persons safety is normal, but demanding to know where they go, who they talked to, what they did, who they saw is quite a bit extreme. The vast majority of us will feel insecure sometimes, but others feel insecure all of the time and it consumes their existence. That cannot be healthy, there is a deeper issue that needs to be addressed.

Have you asked yourself where the root cause of your possessiveness comes from? Have you asked yourself where your insecurities come from? Your childhood experiences may be the cause of your insecurities. Did you have inconsistent care or live in an unsafe environment? That could be one of the many reasons you feel so insecure, you push to become possessive. Maybe you had caregivers that were critical and that contributes to your insecurities. We can go on and on and excuse our behaviors of why we are possessive over another person, but the fact of the matter is that there is no excuse for our behavior of being possessive.

Being possessive could result in loosing the people we say we love the most. People who are possessive are being emotionally abusive towards their partner and that is not a healthy relationship. Below are a few tools you can use to help overcome your insecurities and be less possessive:

1. Give yourself time to heal from past traumas.
2. Set goals for yourself (focus on you).
3. Remind yourself that you are worthy of unconditional love.
4. Acquire a new hobby (that does not include stalking your partner).
5. Have relationships with other people other than your partner.
6. Talk to your partner when you are feeling unsure.
7. Don’t’ be overbearing (let the other person breath).
8. Try to find the root of your problem of insecurities (seek professional help).
9. Don’t try to change your partner (love them as they are).
10. Love yourself so you can love/understand others

Remember, intimate relationships are a partnership NOT an ownership.

-Estefania Barrientos, YWCA Northwestern Illinois La Voz Latina FAC Parent Educator/PAIP Coordinator